More reliable than a garden strimmer! ✓

[The video clicks on with a very chipper-looking Rimmer.]

Ah, there's that video feature. Marvelous, simply... marvelous.

Anyway, wish me luck! I'm off to go have my past life further analyzed. I just know if they keep probing, they'll find even more fascinating details of my life working under none other than Alexander the Great. Perhaps they'll find other past lives that I have? Other connections to great leaders? I can't imagine anything else. The findings should be quite exciting.

This is Commander Arnold J. Rimmer, reporting. Toodlepipski until next time!

[And he ends the transmission with a Rimmer salute.]

This time of year is wonderful for one reason alone: spring cleaning!

Not that I have a great deal to clean, come to think of it. I keep my quarters and personal effects in top condition at all times. That does defeat the purpose of having a specific cleaning routine in the spring. It still can't hurt to go through everything and make sure it's in order. I never know when I'll meet someone and want to bring them around.

...Smeg, it's been a good while since I've done that.

Bravo everyone! Splendid job getting rid of those intruders. Abso-smegging-lutely splendid. Not that I'm at all sure what happened because I was in hiding intensely working on strategic plans, but I'm glad to see everything looking as it should.

Things seem a bit out of the ordinary. Not that anything seems particularly threatening about any of this, but just in case it happens, somehow, to BE a threat or a sign of impending threat... IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! I'M FINDING THE FIRST BUNKER I CAN AND NOT COMING OUT UNTIL IT'S OVER.

[Pause]

I don't suppose there are bunkers or anything of the sort out there? Yes? No? Maybe? It's times like these I really miss Pearly, she'd know what to do...

I don't see why people can't be bothered to respect their superiors! It's a very basic concept that should be ingrained in them from birth, more or less. That just means I'll have to keep persisting. There's that, and my campaign to get my uniform ideas implemented.

Honestly, if you're going to be a legitimate Astronavagation Center, the least you could do is have proper military dress.

What do I look like, a skutter? A smegging janitor!? I handle top level, classified assignments at the Astronavagation Center! Not some flood damage over at the school. They can handle it themselves, I'm quite sure. Didn't they have a full week or so to clear it up? Not that it's any of my business. Anyway, I have some important work to attend to. Rimmer, over and out!

Greetings! This is Captain Arnold J. Rimmer here, announcing... well, it's not important what I'm announcing, as much as it is that I happen to be the one doing the announcing. I'm really moving on up in the world now. How so, you ask? Well, I've just heard back a confirmation that yours truly will be employed at the exclusive Astronavagation Center, right in Windvale.

I know, I know, it's no surprise, as I am quite skilled in the field. Still, this is an opportunity of a lifetime! I'll do my best.

Arnold Rimmer, signing off. Over and out.

[Rimmer totally doesn't realize it's still recording...]

So what if I'm only a lowly maintenance worker again?! You have to start somewhere... and I for one am prepared to face any soup they'll serve at their functions. I'll be climbing the social ladder in no time! Er... is this still- [CLICK]

Honestly, you go off for about a week, and what happens to the class in that span of time? Total anarchy, that's what! There'll be a lot of work ahead to make them back to the shape they were once in, but I plan to do just that. Napoleon didn't build up his army in just a week, after all, and nor, I suspect, did Alexander the Great. So I'm probably moving at about a decent enough pace.

Otherwise, everything is still functioning just as it should be. I can even return to that list of goals from the beginning of the year. I believe it still needed to be re-re-organized...

That's much more like it!

I'd say that everything appears to be functioning as it should be. All body parts are in the right place and accounted for... and I can once again touch things, with my hard light drive intact. What a relief!

I should thank you both, Pearl and Jack, for seeing that the repairs happened and went swimmingly. Excellent job! You'd be deserving of promotions, were that possible here. I have tried in the past to get them to implement such a system for promotions and demerits, but I'm afraid it's never come to pass. Perhaps you can just consider yourselves as having undergone symbolic promotions. I am able to grant such things, given my high ranking as a ship's commander.

Ah. Well. This is going to be a minor inconvenience. It seems that my hard light drive is having a temporary malfunction. I would hope this is something which can be cleared up in the VERY near future. I suppose it's less of a nuisance than having some kind of ...ah, 'mental disturbance' we'll call it... like I had last year. I remember it well, because it wasn't very long before the time when those Inquisitors came in and... smeg, has it really been almost a year? Give or take? Unbelievable!

Anyway, this post is to remind students and faculty alike of a common courtesy for yours truly... [Draws in a deep breath and then shouts] DON'T WALK THROUGH ME!!!!!!

That is all, carry on.

All of these sudden arrivals from space have me reminiscing about my own adventures. I really did an admirable job at leading that crew, didn't I? Wonderful set of chaps that they were with the exception of: all of them. I'm sure they're lost without my guidance, but the same would hold true for my students here.

Actually, I'm looking forward to enlightening this next group. Now if they could only stop poking themselves in the eye when they perform the Rimmer Salute. I mean, every class so far there's been several of them with that problem, and they unfortunately miss the rest of the lecture after such injuries... but no doubt that will be straightened out eventually.

Ah, yes, and speaking of enlightenment, I have to do my yearly re-organizing of goals. I'll see what I've accomplished and add more to work toward... as soon as I can devise a new system for it, I'll begin ASAP.

Ah. Well, then. How... useful this will be. At least it's fully illustrated!?

Also, thank you for the cookies, Pearly!

In addition to there only being ten shopping days left to find that perfect something for yours truly, today is the birthday of a very important person. Not myself, but Mr. L.L. Zamenhof, the inventor of Esperanto. I have to give the man credit, for inventing a language that's so versatile and easy to learn.

So in conclusion,

Mi estas diabeta! Mankas varma akvo. Venu, malcastulino!

In other words... "I am happy for you! This is a joyful occasion. Congratulations, my good man!"

[Actual translation; "I am a diabetic! There is no hot water. Come here, slut!"]


[ooc; And thanks to Google for its link being so random XD]

That was a lovely time the other day, Garnet. Absolutely marvelous. I wouldn't mind another get-together in the near future. There are plenty more tales of my bravery in outer space where the rest of those came from.

It has also come to mind, looking at this handy calender of mine, that fifteen days remain until Christmas. This means that the general population of Poseidon has FIFTEEN DAYS REMAINING TO PURCHASE A GIFT FOR ONE ARNOLD J. RIMMER. I know what you're thinking, there's barely any time left, but never fear! I have a wish list of sorts already made out and ready to distribute over this network and also via mass e-mail for those who don't regularly check on here. Paper version to follow and be put in every quad as a backup. So, without further ado...

Arnold J. Rimmer's Christmas List

Hygiene products
Tickets to posh, classy, and sophisticated events
Hammond Organ recordings
Strategy/war games
Authentic historical bodily fluids from famous leaders, from Alexander the Great, Napoleon, etc.
Other authentic artifacts from Alexander the Great, Napoleon, etc.
Writings and/or films from or about Alexander the Great, Napoleon, etc.
A puncture repair kit :( Rachel
Artwork that's aesthetically pleasing notably those that emphasize the ideal female form
A new fishing rod - in the LITERAL sense, thank you very much!
Memorabilia that states "I am the BEST"; "TOP GENERAL"; "UNIVERSE'S GREATEST TEACHER" or similar connotations
Proper Morris Dancing attire
A manual on how to relate to the opposite sex How silly, I hardly need this!
A new scheduling book/planner for the upcoming year
Films in Esperanto- no subtitles, please! I am becoming a bit of an expert, to be modest.
Anything else that's valuable and befitting a high-ranking professor, feel free to use your imaginations!

SMEGGING GAZPACHO SOUP DAY!

Why is it that the worst possible moments have to be the ones that always come the most easily to mind? Or is it just me?

Not again!

Here I am, attempting to enjoy a pleasant night and company of my own of course Rachel counts! and what must I be subjected to? Is this any way to behave in a shared living quarters! At least have the decency to KEEP IT QUIET!!! At least I... er... I don't think it's I-No this time, so I can say this without the risk of being hit by that smegging guitar of hers.

These smegging walls are too thin, I keep saying. But, until I can contact someone to have them thickened up to Space Corps standard, I'll just have to work harder to enforce the Directives. If you're going to live with me, you must follow them, no exceptions. I'll have to get more copies made and send them around as a refresher.

Honestly, is it too much to ask that people actually follow them?!

[all strikes illegible!]

Remarkable, how quickly time is passing. Simply remarkable. At this rate, we'll be into final exams before long.

Before I forget, Chloe, I should thank you for the splendid evening at the Halloween party. As I always say, it's important to get to know the people you're living with no, I don't, considering I lived with the king of curry stains before.

Ah... yes, and Pearly's play will be later in the evening. Miss Garnet Til Alexandros 17th curious name, now that I think about it, it sounds... rather important or high class, I believe we discussed attending it together? I'll certainly still be available for that.

[strikes illegible]

Yet again, I've located a costume that expresses my leadership capabilities, my bravery, my honor, and... all of those other qualities. There are just so many to name that I can't possibly list them all here.

The nerve of some people!

I'm a professor here, I'll have you know, ...whoever that was! You can't go around- smashing pumpkins over my head! Do you realize how long it took me to get the smegging thing off?

That settles that. I really do need to start making better use of all these names and numbers I've gathered over the course of the time I've been here. It's amazing how busy the women in town always seem to be! They all have mothers to visit or socks to iron or god knows what. At least if I start early enough, I can make a plan.

Ah, and another note to self, Ace-smegging-Rimmer took away some of my best formal wear whenever he was last around- I'll have to have it replaced ASAP.

Additional amended note to self, I should also start preparing for the upcoming holiday.